ResNet Review is the Energy Newsletter for the Shalennial Generation

Here’s our top Energy Headlines for October:

1. NEW YORK TIMES OP-ED SETS NEW CEILING FOR STUPIDITY 🤓

2. FAILURE TO RIP CIGS CAUSING HIGH GAS PRICES 🚭

NEW YORK TIMES OP-ED SETS NEW CEILING FOR STUPIDITY

• Dr. Jeff Colgan, a political science director at Brown University, wrote an Op-Ed in the New York Times outlining how Exxon Mobil’s Pioneer Deal Is a Direct Threat to Democracy. Colgan outlined that “consolidation would undermine democracy in the United States, mislead investors and weaken market competition. It should be stopped for all our sakes.”

  • Immediately after publishing his op-ed, Colgan proceeded to break out the white paint, strap a big fake red nose to his face, put the oversized shoes on his feet and join the rest of the clowns at Brown University for their bi-weekly circle jerk.

• Colgan explains in his article, “If Exxon were serious about preventing climate change, it could use its record $56 billion in net income from last year to invest more seriously in renewable energy, carbon capture and storage or other technologies that are compatible with long-term environmental sustainability.The Federal Trade Commission would surely allow Exxon to acquire a major solar company, for instance.”

  • Yes, let’s let the career-long academic with zero real-world business experience lecture Exxon executives on how they should stop making investments that yield the highest returns for shareholders.

• Colgan continued, “Now it falls to the government to protect its people from corporate self-interest that’s detrimental to democracy and the global environment. This deal endangers the world, and it should be stopped.”

  • Saying one oil company buying a different oil company endangers the world has to qualify Dr. Colgan for the Hyperbole Olympics. While he may have to do it in Russian or Chinese, at least Colgan can brag to his grandkids one day that it was people like him who successfully fear mongered the public into the energy crisis that destroyed America.

• Colgan’s article was met with much praise from environmental activist online with one user going one step further, suggesting “Exxon should be destroyed and all the executives past and present jailed for crimes against humanity.”

  • Reports indicate that after this op-ed was published, Colgan and his fans proceeded to continue their pursuit of doing literally nothing to create tangible solutions for the problems they purport to care so passionately about (while XOM deploys $17B in lower emission initiatives that actually matter)

FAILURE TO RIP CIGS CAUSING HIGH GAS PRICES

• WSJ is reporting that weakening demand for tobacco sales, a historically lucrative profit center for retail gas stations, is causing an even higher increase in gasoline prices to make up for lost profit.

  • Another example of everything your parents and teachers told you was a lie. You thought you were being healthy by quitting cigs and throwing out the Copenhagen, but really you were just causing inflation. Shame on you and please start smoking immediately so we can get below $4/gallon.

• Cigarette sales have plunged this year. British American Tobacco says its U.S. sales volume declined 12.4% in the first half of the year from a year earlier.The owner of the Circle K chain of convenience stores said on a September earnings call that there were “significant headwinds” in cigarette sales

  • As further proof that the Oil & Gas industry is the only industry actually addressing America’s problems, reports have shown that a staggering 87% of all tobacco in the United States is sold from gas stations in and around Midland, Texas.

• Smokes aren’t the only culprit: Casey’s General Stores, which has a large pizza business, saw lower margins from prepared foods in its last fiscal year because of higher ingredient costs, notably cheese.

  • After reading this article it’s safe to assume that anyone not smoking cigs and eating gas station pizza is a communist and should be treated as such.

Best of EFT

AI Generated Image for the Well Name of the Month Goes To…

A Little About ResNet

ResNet AI Inc. is an oil and gas software company that specializes in operations surveillance and asset management software, as well as bespoke digital & reservoir services. Our mission is to Unite the Field & Office towards common corporate objectives. Our software and services are purpose-built for oil & gas applications, and if this newsletter isn’t testimony to that - then you should check out Tinder for the Oilfield, or WellTender, or as we Shalennials call it: Tender 🔥 - where you can swipe right, swipe left, and get the right guy to the right job at the right time 😎

Interested to Learn More?

Check out the link below for our latest Monthly Feature Release